Today was really remarkable in the sense that it was just a really good, pure, wholesome day. I actively made choices that would reduce the risk of entering the overthinking -> bad thoughts -> unhealthy actions cycle, and it worked out wonderfully!
To do this I made sure to keep myself busy for most of the day, because this gives my brain less opportunities to conjure up anything and everything that will ultimately only serve for self destruction.
I started with going out to lunch with my lovely parents, and we sat outside where it was all sunshiney and beautiful. I got a roast vegetable sandwich which was so good!
From there I went to my parent’s house, where we finalised wedding plans, and I played with the dogs. Being around animals is so therapeutic and calming. I gave Ruby a bath, and she was so well behaved; I was very proud!
Afterwards we drove out to a quiet beach where we spent the afternoon. It was magical to be outdoors and in all the fresh air, as living in the middle of the city in a studio apartment doesn’t allow for much freedom! The water was crystal clear and surprisingly warm.
This evening I decided to get out of the house again, not only to keep myself safe, but also because I wanted to be within an atmosphere of freedom and space. I decided that it was time to write my wedding vows, and they are probably the most difficult words I have ever tried to write. There are so many indescribable feelings and emotions that my little human brain cannot find the words for. I walked to my favourite park and watched the sunset from the top of the hill. Just simply being outdoors and within nature, away from the four walls of my home, helped immensely to boost my mood and get the vows written.
Something I love about being outside and watching the sky or the waves, is how small and insignificant it makes me feel. Although feeling insignificant is most likely not everyone’s cup of tea, it really helps me because it gives me so much hope. Hope that there is so much more out there in life beyond what is presently happening, and also hope that the darkness in my brain really isn’t all that much in the big scheme of things.
A thought that has been prominent lately is that validation needs to come from within, and if it comes from other people too, then that is simply just a bonus. This is something I am going to try and work on. I have always been so focused and driven based on what others think, that for so long I never actually realised that I need to be doing all this for me. And as long as I am accepting and at peace with my actions and decisions, then this is what is important. What actually matters is that I focus on becoming the best I can be, and in turn I will become the best future wife, mother, daughter and friend for those around me, that I can be.
Love & light,