There is more to you than yesterday // This Week

A lot has happened this week, and in particular the last couple of days, and I’m unsure of if meaningful is the right word to use here, but all of it definitely made me feel so many things.

We have moved into our new flat, and so far it’s been really good. It’s so lovely to have space, be able to go outdoors, and breathe fresh air. It’s also much closer to where my parents live, so we were able to pop around there the other night bringing a movie and snacks, and it was lovely (just everything about this move is lovely, really) to spend time with them. This also means that we are so much closer to my parent’s dogs too! We had a spare afternoon, so we “dog-napped” one of them and drove to a big park, which involved swimming, rolling in mud, and more swimming (on the dog’s part, not ours, for clarity).

We also had some very sad news however, that our close relative passed away over the weekend. So in the middle of the week we flew down to the other end of the island for two days. The funeral, although sad, was also beautiful. So many people attended and spoke, sharing stories and beautiful tributes. It was a very special occasion. I don’t really know why, but being there and around family, made me really look forward to and be excited for our future family.

During this time away, we also got the opportunity to see my brother-in-law’s new car. Saying that it was the most fun I have ever had in a car is not an exaggeration, and I’m certainly not a car person. It’s this tiny little sports car, so low to the ground that you are practically sitting on the ground, that he has just finished painting himself. It has just two seats, and also happens to have a convertible rooftop! We took it out at night, took the roof off, and blasted Sail by AWOLNATION probably annoying loudly. It was a clear night sky, and by raising my arms my fingers felt almost as if they were skimming across the stars. It gave me so much peace. It reminded me a little bit of this scene from The Perks of being a Wallflower.

(Image sourced from: https://68.media.tumblr.com/818e2d487204bf3c03dccf09b816a8fa/tumblr_o6nhn7t4Pb1v66xy4o1_500.jpg)

Yesterday felt so very busy too! In the morning I had my Terrestrial Ecology class and then lab. We learnt about the moose and wolves of Isle Royale, an island in the middle of a huge lake which, completely naturally, ended up being an Ecologist’s dream experiment. The National Park itself is beautiful, and coupled with the rich ecological history (it makes me so excited to just think about! Eeek! I love what I study!), it is now definitely a dream to travel there someday.

(Image sourced from: https://www.nps.gov//isro/planyourvisit/images/hill_islands_1.jpg

(Image sourced from: http://media.cntraveler.com/photos/54bfdc8ef026e0d339fb6dea/master/pass/isle-royale-national-park-michigan.jpg)

That evening I went to work and experienced my very first bar shift. I have been training for it for a while now, but my biggest problem is my anxiety around it. My hands get so weak that I can’t open bottles of wine! So when I arrived yesterday I was shaking and my stomach was doing flip flops, but despite this it was actually quite a nice change. I tried to use mindfulness techniques during quiet times, and they were soothing. In the past, this sort of experience would have involved far more debilitating symptoms, so much so that I probably would have been unable to work. It was like a friendly little reminder that things have changed, that they are better now. It also helped that I had this beautiful quote stuck in my head after copying it down into my planner, particularly the final line, “There is more to you than yesterday.”

(Image sourced from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/7c/30/a0/7c30a078c297b9f6ce3e8afba698df26.jpg)

By the end of the night I had served many drinks, made lots of food, and even made somebody a Cappuccino, which surprisingly turned out alright! This whole experience really helped with boosting my confidence, and I will even admit it was a little fun! Being trained and working bar shifts was one of my goals for this year, so I’m super happy with how it all went.

I then dove home, and this time was really important to me. I hadn’t driven home from work at night in so long, just because I normally take the bus. But last night I got to be reminded of how much I enjoy driving home at night, listening to the radio with all the streets quiet. It did though bring along a big bout of that “bad nostalgia” that I previously tried to write about, because this time used to be where so many of the awful thoughts would riot and scream, and all those drives home from work in the past are painful thinking back. But last night was different. Things are okay now. These memories just erupt when I least expect them.

What was supposed to be a quick, straightforward drive home ended up being very different. I was driving on an empty motorway, almost home, when suddenly I saw a person on the side of the motorway trying to wave me down. It was then that I noticed that something was wrong. I pulled over, along with another car who had also seen, and this was my first time helping out with a car accident. A car had swerved across several lanes on the motorway, and plummeted off the side into some trees. It was so lucky that it was night, and that there was hardly any traffic, otherwise it would have been a lot worse. We had to help the passengers, and one was injured and understandably very shaken. Thankfully, nobody was seriously hurt, although their car looked in bad shape. The police arrived, and later the ambulance too, and everyone is going to be okay. I felt bad though, because I didn’t really know what to do in this situation, so I just comforted the person who was upset and waited with them until help arrived. I don’t know if anybody really knows what to do in these times though. I naively never expect things like that to happen.

I’m going to end this here, as soon we are going to spend time with family, with my warmest wishes for your week! I hope it has been a good week for you, and that you have so much hope for the next one too.

Love and light,
Kaitlyn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trying to put thoughts into words

Starting these blog posts always begin with the best intentions. An idea will stick around in my head for a week or two, but by the time I eventually get around to writing it out, I get lost for words! As a person who finds writing easier than speaking most of the time, it’s frustrating to completely blank, or worry constantly about how my words will sound, to the point where it’s hard to write anything at all.

Image result for mental illness art

(Image sourced from: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/36/1a/55/361a556fa711587ddce6c9bee369f0fd.jpg)

Sometimes writing is also difficult because it reminds me so much of being sick. Nostalgia, but in a bad sense. Is there a word for that? When things were really, really hard, all I could do was write, to scream silently into the void, because I was too afraid to talk to anybody. As a result, this is what I now associate with writing. Being so, so low and scared, I hate thinking about it because it hurts so much. So I’m finding it hard to write beyond the illnesses, to find words that will enhance, rather than break.

There are so many things I would like to write about too! How veganism is changing for me, feminism, privilege, relationships, body image, life as seasons, adventures, goals, confidence, the list just keeps going. If only my mind would work with me, instead of against!

Lately, depression and anxiety have been present, and I have to keep telling them to shut up. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But anyway, they have been making things a little bit more difficult lately. They haven’t completely won, however, because I cannot let them.

What has been helping is literally forcing myself to keep talking to people, rather than to isolate myself, which is all they want me to do. Also, as I mentioned earlier, my veganism is changing, which is helping too, but that is something I don’t feel comfortable talking about yet. Trying to be productive also helps, because I find that if I can even summon the energy to do just one small thing, then doing other things slowly becomes easier too.

Last week I signed up to complete an award at university, which involves volunteering, leadership, challenges and reflection. I’m attending my first workshop for it tomorrow, and am excited to see where it takes me.

This was intended to be much more coherent, and interesting, but instead turned into a rather pointless ramble. I’m going to end here.

Love & light,
Kaitlyn.