Today, well tonight, I’m going to write about something I’ve wanted to for a little while now, but I keep putting it off.
I feel so very guilty, and that’s part of the reason why this needs to change, and why I need to change too.
About three years ago now, I became vegan almost overnight, removing all animal products from my diet quicker than you could say cheese. I had very good intentions for doing this; I had done all my research and educated myself on the awfulness of animal agriculture. I knew that I could no longer support the industry with my choices and money, because these sweet animals were no different to the dogs I call family.
However, during this time I was also very unwell, stuck in the depths of an eating disorder that thrived on restriction, and the knowledge of being able to cut out whole food groups beneath a sunny guise of ethics.
And these ethics, they are tormenting me. They truly are. My heart is in veganism, it always will be. It’s an act of peace, and of love, something that feels right to me.
But my heart is also trying to do what’s right in all the ways. For my body and my mind, and for my healing from the past.
I have decided that I need to ensure that I choose not to consume animal products only as a result of my most true, real beliefs, rather than any unresolved fear that I haven’t conquered yet. Therefore, for the time being, I’m making the choice to not label what I eat and how I eat.
I don’t want to have to face the guilt for eating something that I’m not absolutely sure is vegan, that I haven’t scrutinized the label over, anymore. I need to be totally free of this fear and guilt that is ingrained with eating.
For now, I’m choosing to still eat mostly vegan foods, as this is what I truly prefer most of the time, but if I feel like something vegetarian then that’s okay too. I will never return to eating meat, but simply am choosing to reduce my harm to both the animals, and myself this time round too, to as little as possible.
I’ve been putting off talking and writing about this because I’m so afraid of being judged. I’m also afraid of how I will explain this to those around me, how I will explain that my actions no longer always support my steadfast beliefs, or perhaps they do but in a different way. I’m writing this all out because it helps to get it clear in my head.
I know the horrors of our animal-consuming culture, how horrible it is, and that’s what makes this so hard. But this is something that I feel as though I need to go through, and a challenge I need to face, in order to get to where I need to be.
So for now, it’s not goodbye veganism, or even goodbye to my happy little herbivore self. But instead I’m just saying goodbye to a part of me that’s still holding onto a deep set fear from the past, in order to become a happier, healthier little herbivore.
Veganism taught me so much about all the beautiful species that grace our earth, and now it’s time to discover this grace and kindness within a different context too; from myself and outwards.
Love & light,